Remember five years ago when we were all annoyed about people posting pictures of their dinner? Yeah hold on to that because over the last half decade social media posts have become so much worse. A quick scroll through my newsfeed makes me nostalgic for Brenda’s bi weekly bake off snaps.
To try and halt this internet crazy train ride to WTF land, here are some things to please, please stop doing on social media for all of our sakes.
1 Sharing articles without fact checking them. Did you know that capsicums with three bumps are female and four bumps are male? You didn’t? That’s because it’s complete rubbish. If you see a story, competition or status that seems too out there or too good to be true, please take 30 seconds to run it through Snopes first to see if it’s actually true, or just more viral nonsense.
2 Speaking of viral nonsense, it’s time for us to all accept that Facebook statuses along the lines of “I hereby do not give Facebook permission to…” mean precisely fuck all. The thing is you did give Facebook permission to, in that big long list of terms and conditions you didn’t read when you signed up. It is also not hugely smart to make legal threats against a multi billion dollar entity on it’s own platform. I guarantee you Mark Z has far better lawyers than you.
3 Vaguebooking. Checking into hospital with no further explanation has got to be top of the pile here along with “OMG can’t believe how some people can stab you in the back when you do everything for them” “wow so many snakes round ‘ere” and my personal favourite “Absolutely Fummin”. Such posts are inevitably followed by a pile of “Are u ok hun” which of course is replied with “I don’t want to talk about it” or “I’ll inbox you hun”. Personal problems require personal solutions not public attention. Stop it.
4 Your page is exclusively ranting about politics. Yeah we get it Karen, you’re mad at ALL THE THINGS but your social pages look like the internet interpretation of a heart attack. Another thing about political ranting is it’s rarely balanced. It’s all outrage when the party you don’t vote for does something you don’t like but all quiet on the Western front when your political preference is literally imploding under the weight of scandal.
5 Asking dumb questions. If you’re on Facebook or Instagram it’s fairly safe to assume you have a device that is connected to the internet so why can’t you Google what time Countdown opens on Easter Sunday? It’s literally right there on their website under Opening Hours. They are not hiding this information from you.
6 Oversharing your brand new love. Yeah OK this might be a me thing but please keep the gushy declarations of adoration between the two of you. It feels awkwardly voyeuristic for everyone who stumbles across your endless smooshy wooshy posts and puts us off our peanut butter toast. The occasional thing is fine but four in a day… c’mon guys, we’re happy for you but some things are better when it’s just between the people involved
7 Being an NLOG (not like other girls) or a general pick me ass bitch. Throwing your gender under the bus to appear cooler does in fact not make you appear cooler, it makes you appear insecure and desperate for validation. I give this carry on a yikes/10
8 Filming fights, bullying and other gross behaviour to upload to social media for ‘likes’. Radical concept but you could (if you’re able to) actually be a decent human being and step in to help, or call the police. Usually if one person intervenes, the bystander spell is broken and others also start to help defuse whatever situation is happening. Leading on from that, the emergency services don’t want your phone in their face when they’re trying to do their job, please don’t do this.
9 Being a Johnny Big Bollocks whilst hiding behind your screen. The JBB phenomenon comes in three main parts: the first is believing their opinion is fact and anyone that doesn’t agree is an idiot and must be told that in as many derogatory ways as possible. Secondly anyone that rejects their romantic/sexual advances is gross/fat/ugly anyway and must have their appearance torn to shreds because they didn’t want them anyway. No, this makes no sense to me either. The third is fuck the police, you know, because JBB is so cool and double hard. People like this are exhausting and just cringey because anyone with eyes and a brain can see it’s all projection. These angry snowflakes’ ego will melt down if someone dares to criticize them the way they criticize others and are the first to sob down the phone to the Old Bill when their modded Subaru WRX goes missing from their driveway. The tough fulla stuff flies out the window when they are the victims.
So there we are team, lets all stop doing these nine things and make social media a better place.