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Six Things We’re Leaving In 2018

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The start of a new year is a great time to think about how to improve our lives and be happier and healthier. It’s also a great time to start thinking about the things that have annoyed us so much in the last twelve months or longer that they need to be cased in concrete and dumped somewhere in the middle of the Pacific.

 

Here’s six things I’m officially cancelling in 2019

 

Mozzarella cheese. Stringy, plasticy nonsense that tastes like melted down credit cards. Despite being the absolute worst cheese ever try avoiding it while eating out. Spoiler alert – you can’t. Especially irksome when it turns up in my beloved Mexican food. Get in the bin and stay there.

“Stretchy” is not something I consider a plus when it comes to food.

“Did you just assume my gender?” usually uttered ‘ironically’ by gammon headed morons under the illusion they’re “owning some lefties”. Transphobic, over used, unoriginal, and so utterly boring. Just use the preferred pronouns and get over yourself Kevin, no one cares what you think about other people’s life choices. See also that stupid “I identify as an attack helicopter’ copy-pasta. Yaaaaaaawn!

Having a literal melt down over the fact there are vegan or vegetarian options in amongst the overwhelming array of meat dishes on offer. If you don’t want to eat vegan food don’t buy it. It seems so simple and yet it’s a seemingly impossible task for some. Next time you feel like having a giant bitch because a chain bakery offers a single vegan option in among the plethora of mince n cheese n steak consider shooting yourself into space instead. 

Oh no, how can we possibly make room here for a single vegan product. PC gawwn maaaaaad

Filming instead of helping. We’re really out here throwing our fellow humans under the bus for a few likes on social media huh. When some shit is going down, maybe instead of reaching for your phone to film it like a 5th rate Louis Theroux, actually pull your head out of your arse and help the situation. This could range from calling the emergency services to providing support or physically intervening if safe and appropriate to do so. If you’re filming for “evidence” hand it straight to the authorities rather than posting it all over the internet. There’s a big difference between posting to raise awareness and just being a straight up like-whore.

Driving like an arsehole. New Zealand’s road toll is spiraling out of control and only getting worse. Try and leave your ego at home when you hit the road. Sometimes you’re going to get stuck behind a slow moving vehicle, sometimes people are going to need to move into “your” lane, or turn across it and honestly, in the big scheme of things, does this really matter? The possibility of saving a few seconds isn’t worth risking lives for so stop swinging your dick around for 5 seconds and chill out.

We need less of this on our roads

Sharing obvious spam without at least a perfunctory Google search. Social media is a haven for fake news, rumours and pure lies. If you have access to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter that also means you likely have access to websites like Snopes where you can check to see if this latest tit bit of information is legit. Also get googling if anyone is“reaching out” to try and flog you overpriced products or sign you up for God knows what.

 

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