By Gregg James Kelly
So the inevitable conclusion has arrived, at 20:30 Boris Johnson, looking evermore like a feckless human oxygen thief, shuffled onto TV and broke the world changing news that all McDonald’s would be closing its doors. If only the verdict was quarantine, but only kinda.
Johnson, who had clearly been coaxed from the fetal position he curled up into following his last public excrement, spoke with the natural clarity you might expect from a man waking from a 20-year coma. Confusing and horrifying in equal measure.
You cannot leave the house, but you can, but you can’t, but oh go on you can. Only for a little while.
Ironically, the people he was addressing, as a matter of life and death, weren’t in the house to hear the news. They were battling each other, as a matter of life and death, for the last McDonald’s order.
The diseased eating a disease. But we all love a McDonald’s. Gherkins count as vegetables right?
Police now have the power to arrest. Luckily there aren’t any police left to enforce the enforced enforcement.
Self-isolation is going well, swing parks are busier than they’ve ever been. Crowds gather outside chemists and pharmacies, slotting into snug virus-infested queues. A literal prescription for death.
The world has become so mutated, Piers Morgan on morning TV has become the voice of reason. Alex “The Tsar” Salmond walked free from all charges. I suppose multiple women, with no prior connection to each other, allegedly fabricated completely different stories, and set out to destroy a political career that had already ceased to be. Justice prevails.
A God complex, but not Morgan or Salmond, instead it’s the people convinced that this disease isn’t for them. Victims of The Spanish Flu probably said the same thing. Right before they coughed themselves to death.
Harvey Weinstein ever the opportunist contracts Covid-19. Everybody wishes Mike Ashley would.
China blames US – US blames China.
Trump encourages people in the US to self vaccinate by ingesting a chemical used to clean aquariums. They die.
We look to our leaders, they fail at every turn. We surprise ourselves by our ability to be surprised.
381,491 infected – 16,553 deaths