by Gregg Kelly (Scotland)

First it was HRH Charles relocating to his second ‘home’, but in all fairness the majority of his family are on average 650 years old. A cold draft would probably annihilate ¾ of his family tree. And of course he is literally a man born to be king. 

There is a slight difference in circumstance, when comparing 5G conspiracy Tabitha taking her six children to Ayr Beach, and a man literally born to sit on the throne of a country, trying his best to avoid killing the Queen, aka his 942 year old living relic of a mother.

Queen Lizzie made her first public appearance since Christmas and as appearance fees go, she’s on a pretty decent contract. The closest she’ll get to catching Covid-19 will be if the plebians dodging bullets on her country manor, accidentally breathe their last in her face.

Ahh and it was going so well for the SNP, Nicola effortlessly kicking Boris in the face at every turn, by simply not being an embarrassingly incompetent, bouffant haired, elitist, surprisingly virile, shambles of a leader, who took the first opportunity to succumb to the virus, and shuffle away to his self made cardboard castle. His fortress of Boritude if you will.

And the Health Secretary for the whole of Scotland absolutely ruins that collective feel good feeling while simultaneously showing her lack of leadership credentials, by demanding that everyone stay at home, not to leave for any reason. And in return leaves her home, with her family, for a wee day trip, to her second home. Two consecutive weekends in a row. And had the audacity to get caught.

In other news, Donald Trump has recommended patrons of the US, wear facemasks, or make facemasks, or post your face on Facebook, or something to do with their face. He was unintelligible. And of course it appears he has been purchasing face masks from Russia, and receiving half as a welcome gift.

During this time Australians are simply checking their watch and wondering when the first rocket leaving the planet is due. Seven weeks ago they were living in a world where the sky was on fire and flame tornados were a typical day’s weather report. After coming to terms with living in a fire scarred house/land/reality/existence. There’s now a coughing plague knocking on their door asking to be let in.

Cheque please, let’s try Mars next year.

And to top of this crazy three months of an unimaginable year of our lord 2020. The UK Government are no longer discounting the possibility that this biological tsunami escaped from a lab in Wuhan. If in doubt let’s get racist.

It worked for Brexit, it can work for rational thought. But at least 5G and bat soup are back in the clear.

Diagnosed – 1,245,741

Dead – 67,928